Resolution time!

I've been thinking, as one does this time of year, about 2015 and what I want to do and feel in 2016. And please pardon, but I'm going to go on at length, because I'm just kind of kicking some ideas and situations around. I've been putting together resolutions, and thinking about how I guide myself to a better place, because since about October things have been rough for me. Work is a tough situation. I feel very stressed by it. I also feel stressed by roller derby, which isn't how it should go. So, resolution #1 -- give fewer fucks. Be comfortable with my own power and wield it.

But resolution #2 -- be an ally -- how can I be an ally if I harden my heart to avoid all the self-doubt and outward criticism that, IMO, has hampered me in the past? We'll see -- but as stressful as my situation can be, I need sometimes to be an ally or a champion for others. I want to keep my path open for that.

I have a half dozen self-care kind of resolutions, too -- don't we all, if we have resolutions at all? I realized this year I spent too much time not sleeping, not eating, secretly scavenging chocolate out of the office, not doing things I need to do to feel well, and feeling like I was running on empty -- or like I was too anxious to run on all cylinders. Also, I'm by nature rebellious, and that's generally positive, but I rebelled too often this year against myself.  I want to quiet the voice that fights my goals this year.  That's a photo of me, above, at my heaviest weight since either of the children arrived -- I'd like to change that, but not in a way that's about the numbers.  

Finally, and somewhat unrelatedly, I revisited A-town over the holidays, where I lived for 15 years. I have been disliking my current town, though this year I had a resolution to learn to love it and some progress has been made. The visit was bittersweet, but also allowed for connection and remembrance. However, the whole visit reminded me of how immersed I was there -- entangled in a few situations I didn't like and couldn't get out of -- and how good it has been getting to edit my life by moving. So I'm going to continue the "learn to love where you live" resolution. Not necessarily the actual place, as I might not ultimately find this the best, most affirming place for me and my family, but I want to stop thinking about being somewhere else a lot of the time, which I do regularly.

...which, I guess, gets me back to #2. People want to help me. People want help. I want to be a person who is open to others.  I want to be an ally, and a champion, and be both of those things to myself at the same time.  Can it be done?  We'll see.